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I feel people have portrayed me differently than i am.  

Last summer I was very self-destructive, it was fun.  I was like "i'M going to die, you people around me, you can have a better world, here's to you,".  Then I drank some tequilla and sulked in everything I could have been.

Lately I have seen all the negative I feel, as just my wasted creativity. And I have been trying to put that to use.  If I couLD JUST be locked away with my necessities, voice, and musical instruments<#
Then I could come back in my social element.  And my life falls into place. : )

i feel detatched from everyone around me currently.  I have done it, I have detatched myself, I am so tired of this round and round again disapointment.  I want to be sucessful, for everyone, and I want everyone else to be sucessful for everyone.  "THE death of one is a tragedy, the death of a million is a statistic." josheph stalin.  He is not talking about how government views things, but in how people  in society view things.

I have been doing good on the promise i made to myself to not let myself be thrust into situations where I recieve un-wanted stimuli. 

I moved in with angela a.k.a "TIA TIARRA", and I must say I have, and am loving it.

Despite the initial drama.  That was sorted out when I learned that she thought I was a person who did not deserve respect, and she learned that I would like to say, am......

I have smoked twice since being here, been doing breadroot volunteer hours, recycling as much as i can (mine and where people have slacked), eating okay, i was only eating raw foods for awhile, liked that, i'm A VEGAN (yehp I stated that, sorry that offends the part of your brain that longs for sabertooth tigers, and cave dwelling), I have been able to find really good food latelty : ) haha, i love food, been playing guitar alot, and feeling like i am able to get emotion out in this way, and thats important.  I have stepped into learning keyboard, have actually been picking it up quite rapidly.  I like being in RAPID City, it feels like home, and where I am right now feels like home pretty close to, ever. 

My main source of turmoil, is I try, and just as any one else who tries, people will try to swipe you down.   Often people say "you think your perfect", when really if they were doing there progressive part they would be encouraging me, and thanking me and others.  But since there not they feel judged.  I don't care, i do what I am justified doing with out restrain.  Furthermore about the smoking, and being judged. Not saying the two should or should not go hand in hand.  I smoked a total of six times in the last year, my best year since, i was sober all year in 2004.  Not comending what smoking I have done, but to have people trying to say I am a hypocrite "across the board" is a lie.  Its pathetic. The reason people try to swipe me down is cause they are the comfortable, and safe people in the current status quo, or they are confused.

Recently, I informed tia,  that I was not an abusive boyfriend.  i have a tempor, and i suppose to a female that is intimidaiting, but I am not abusive.

 Later I was confronted with things I have said, yehp I did say them, and lets admit it, I am an impulsive with my words, I know what I am talking about, but when I pass judgement on people, it can often quite slip into the extreme end, not that i mean, and I always regret it.  I do realize judging people is wrong because we all can change from one moment to the next.

I've been passionate more than ever about music, well more than ever, since like, yesterday and the day before gahhhhh but i love music so much, and i just started listening to shiny toy guns.  They are awesome I'm way late,  I just did not like them at first.  Tia has plugged me in, and i'm quite the electro-head now.! LOL, love it.  When I first got here I was listening to alot  of hardcore, I love it,  I love all music, and all the horrid, fun, angry, demented, grunge, dirty, trips of it all.  

I miss art but drawing seems easy right now, so hopefully it REALLY REALLY is, because keyboard, guitar, music, comes first, but all do it , if I happen to be breathing it..  I just can't wait to do alblum work, for........, band, and solo project..

I'm so creative right now.  i LOVE it. I have more problems than ever right now, and haha the more the BETTER I FEEL, because I feel like I'm going to be sad for ever anyways, sooooo...... its just gotten really easy to deal.  And I think acceptance is the first step.

DOn't laugh, (i don't care even if I'm laughing), but i was looking in a wedding botique the other day LOL (you shut the fuck up!!), and i thought to myself, "OjJHHHE OHH, I just want some girl to come sweep me away, marry me, take me to an undiscovered place, where she nurtures my pain."  I am the girl haha, but that cause I missed out on that part of my life. HAY no you fuck, not being a girl,  I missed out on female nurturing, well not my whole life, just enough to instill a permanent ache for it.

Speaking of femal nurturing my mom has been spoiling me lately.  I'm not a spoiled kid so I can't be spoiled, but she has been a tremendous help.  She makes me feel so loved right now.  I'm lucky to have her.  After all this time, its like all the pain was worth it.

I have started confronting the trauma in my head and overcoming it.  As in the fear that comes up from past experiences.  And I have took on the current day to day fears, and am overcoming them.  Thanks to alot of support.

I had fallen out of having real frienships in the past, and these people are fucking crazy but I love them : ) REAL FRIENDS.

Rigth now I'm trying to apply wanting a relationship into creating music, rather than a new relationship.  Hey, maybe i'll get both, and I'll fall for a cool guitar player girl. YAY guitar player girlfriend.  Heres' to hope, its always been my dream to make music with my significant.

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THANKS FOR THE attention.

<            love                   ~                     you              ~               sincerely                                      3

Right now everything kind of feels like an endless catch 22. The only positive being an endless supply of useless creativity, if I was so inclined to find closure in that....... I'm not.

Then again I am convinced that I can master it, smile.  I will get busy. I've got so many awesome realistic goals that i have created for myself. And am ready to go for them.  If i could be content with that... i am. : )

Lifes pretty good.  And I am going to master mine.

I feel like i know myself, and am starting to really accept myself.

thats where i'm at.

peAce!

: )..